The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第38章

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could　not　look；　it　hurt　his　eyes。　Her　fine　limbs　lifted　and
lifted；　her　hair　was　sticking　out　all　fierce；　and　her　belly；
big；　strange；　terrifying；　uplifted　to　the　Lord。　Her　face　was
rapt　and　beautiful；　she　danced　exulting　before　her　Lord；　and
knew　no　man。

It　hurt　him　as　he　watched　as　if　he　were　at　the　stake。　He　felt
he　was　being　burned　alive。　The　strangeness；　the　power　of　her　in
her　dancing　consumed　him；　he　was　burned；　he　could　not　grasp；　he
could　not　understand。　He　waited　obliterated。　Then　his　eyes
became　blind　to　her；　he　saw　her　no　more。　And　through　the
unseeing　veil　between　them　he　called　to　her；　in　his　jarring
voice：

〃What　are　you　doing　that　for？〃

〃Go　away；〃　she　said。　〃Let　me　dance　by　myself。〃

〃That　isn't　dancing；〃　he　said　harshly。　〃What　do　you　want　to
do　that　for？〃

〃I　don't　do　it　for　you；〃　she　said。　〃You　go　away。〃

Her　strange；　lifted　belly；　big　with　his　child！　Had　he　no
right　to　be　there？　He　felt　his　presence　a　violation。　Yet　he　had
his　right　to　be　there。　He　went　and　sat　on　the　bed。

She　stopped　dancing；　and　confronted　him；　again　lifting　her
slim　arms　and　twisting　at　her　hair。　Her　nakedness　hurt　her；
opposed　to　him。

〃I　can　do　as　I　like　in　my　bedroom；〃　she　cried。　〃Why　do　you
interfere　with　me？〃

And　she　slipped　on　a　dressinggown　and　crouched　before　the
fire。　He　was　more　at　ease　now　she　was　covered　up。　The　vision　of
her　tormented　him　all　the　days　of　his　life；　as　she　had　been
then；　a　strange；　exalted　thing　having　no　relation　to
himself。

After　this　day；　the　door　seemed　to　shut　on　his　mind。　His　brow
shut　and　became　impervious。　His　eyes　ceased　to　see；　his　hands
were　suspended。　Within　himself　his　will　was　coiled　like　a　beast；
hidden　under　the　darkness；　but　always　potent；　working。

At　first　she　went　on　blithely　enough　with　him　shut　down
beside　her。　But　then　his　spell　began　to　take　hold　of　her。　The
dark；　seething　potency　of　him；　the　power　of　a　creature　that　lies
hidden　and　exerts　its　will　to　the　destruction　of　the
freerunning　creature；　as　the　tiger　lying　in　the　darkness　of　the
leaves　steadily　enforces　the　fall　and　death　of　the　light
creatures　that　drink　by　the　waterside　in　the　morning；　gradually
began　to　take　effect　on　her。　Though　he　lay　there　in　his　darkness
and　did　not　move；　yet　she　knew　he　lay　waiting　for　her。　She　felt
his　will　fastening　on　her　and　pulling　her　down；　even　whilst　he
was　silent　and　obscure。

She　found　that；　in　all　her　outgoings　and　her　inings；　he
prevented　her。　Gradually　she　realized　that　she　was　being　borne
down　by　him；　borne　down　by　the　clinging；　heavy　weight　of　him；
that　he　was　pulling　her　down　as　a　leopard　clings　to　a　wild　cow
and　exhausts　her　and　pulls　her　down。

Gradually　she　realized　that　her　life；　her　freedom；　was
sinking　under　the　silent　grip　of　his　physical　will。　He　wanted
her　in　his　power。　He　wanted　to　devour　her　at　leisure；　to　have
her。　At　length　she　realized　that　her　sleep　was　a　long　ache　and　a
weariness　and　exhaustion；　because　of　his　will　fastened　upon　her；
as　he　lay　there　beside　her；　during　the　night。

She　realized　it　all；　and　there　came　a　momentous　pause；　a
pause　in　her　swift　running；　a　moment's　suspension　in　her　life；
when　she　was　lost。

Then　she　turned　fiercely　on　him；　and　fought　him。　He　was　not
to　do　this　to　her；　it　was　monstrous。　What　horrible　hold　did　he
want　to　have　over　her　body？　Why　did　he　want　to　drag　her　down；
and　kill　her　spirit？　Why　did　he　want　to　deny　her　spirit？　Why　did
he　deny　her　spirituality；　hold　her　for　a　body　only？　And　was　he
to　claim　her　carcase？

Some　vast；　hideous　darkness　he　seemed　to　represent　to
her。

〃What　do　you　do　to　me？〃　she　cried。　〃What　beastly　thing　do　you
do　to　me？　You　put　a　horrible　pressure　on　my　head；　you　don't　let
me　sleep；　you　don't　let　me　live。　Every　moment　of　your　life　you
are　doing　something　to　me；　something　horrible；　that　destroys　me。
There　is　something　horrible　in　you；　something　dark　and　beastly
in　your　will。　What　do　you　want　of　me？　What　do　you　want　to　do　to
me？〃

All　the　blood　in　his　body　went　black　and　powerful　and
corrosive　as　he　heard　her。　Black　and　blind　with　hatred　of　her　he
was。　He　was　in　a　very　black　hell；　and　could　not　escape。

He　hated　her　for　what　she　said。　Did　he　not　give　her
everything；　was　she　not　everything　to　him？　And　the　shame　was　a
bitter　fire　in　him；　that　she　was　everything　to　him；　that　he　had
nothing　but　her。　And　then　that　she　should　taunt　him　with　it；
that　he　could　not　escape！　The　fire　went　black　in　his　veins。　For
try　as　he　might；　he　could　not　escape。　She　was　everything　to　him；
she　was　his　life　and　his　derivation。　He　depended　on　her。　If　she
were　taken　away；　he　would　collapse　as　a　house　from　which　the
central　pillar　is　removed。

And　she　hated　him；　because　he　depended　on　her　so　utterly。　He
was　horrible　to　her。　She　wanted　to　thrust　him　off；　to　set　him
apart。　It　was　horrible　that　he　should　cleave　to　her；　so　close；
so　close；　like　leopard　that　had　leapt　on　her；　and　fastened。

He　went　on　from　day　to　day　in　a　blackness　of　rage　and　shame
and　frustration。　How　he　tortured　himself；　to　be　able　to　get　away
from　her。　But　he　could　not。　She　was　as　the　rock　on　which　he
stood；　with　deep；　heaving　water　all　round；　and　he　was　unable　to
swim。　He　must　take　his　stand　on　her；　he　must　depend　on
her。

What　had　he　in　life；　save　her？　Nothing。　The　rest　was　a　great
heaving　flood。　The　terror　of　the　night　of　heaving；　overwhelming
flood；　which　was　his　vision　of　life　without　her；　was　too　much
for　him。　He　clung　to　her　fiercely　and　abjectly。

And　she　beat　him　off；　she　beat　him　off。　Where　could　he　turn；
like　a　swimmer　in　a　dark　sea；　beaten　off　from　his　hold；　whither
could　he　turn？　He　wanted　to　leave　her；　he　wanted　to　be　able　to
leave　her。　For　his　soul's　sake；　for　his　manhood's　sake；　he　must
be　able　to　leave　her。

But　for　what？　She　was　the　ark；　and　the　rest　of　the　world　was
flood。　The　only　tangible；　secure　thing　was　the　woman。　He　could
leave　her　only　for　another　woman。　And　where　was　the　other　woman；
and　who　was　the　other　woman？　Besides；　he　would　be　just　in　the
same　state。　Another　woman　would　be　woman；　the　case　would　be　the
same。

Why　was　she　the　all；　the　everything；　why　must　he　live　only
through　her；　why　must　he　sink　if　he　were　detached　from　her？　Why
must　he　cleave　to　her　in　a　frenzy　as　for　his　very　life？

The　only　other　way　to　leave　her　was　to　die。　The　only　straight
way　to　leave　her　was　to　die。　His　dark；　raging　soul　knew　that。
But　he　had　no　desire　for　death。

Why　could　he　not　leave　her？　Why　could　he　not　throw　himself
into　the　hidden　water　to　live　or　die；　as　might　be？　He　could　not；
he　could　not。　But　supposing　he　went　away；　right　away；　and　found
work；　and　had　a　lodging　again。　He　could　be　again　as　he　had　been
before。

But　he　knew　he　could　not。　A　woman；　he　must　have　a　woman。　And
having　a　woman；　he　must　be　free　of　her。　It　would　be　the　same
position。　For　he　could　not　be　free　of　her。

For　how　can　a　man　stand；　unless　he　have　something　sure　under
his　feet。　Can　a　man　tread　the　unstable　water　all　his　life；　and
call　that　standing？　Better　give　in　and　drown　at　once。

And　upon　what　could　he　stand；　save　upon　a　woman？　Was　he　then
like　the　old　man　of　the　seas；　impotent　to　move　save　upon　the
back　of　another　life？　Was　he　impotent；　or　a　cripple；　or　a
defective；　or　a　fragment？

It　was　black；　mad；　shameful　torture；　the　frenzy　of　fear；　the
frenzy　of　desire；　and　the　horrible；　grasping　backwash　of
shame。

What　was　he　afraid　of？　Why　did　life；　without　Anna；　seem　to
him　just　a　horrible　welter；　everything　jostling　in　a
meaningless；　dark；　fathomless　flood？　Why；　if　Anna　left　him　even
for　a　week；　did　he　seem　to　be　clinging　like　a　madman　to　the　edge
of　reality；　and　slipping　surely；　surely　into　the　flood　of
unreality　that　would　drown　him。　This　horrible　slipping　into
unreality　drove　him　mad；　his　soul　screamed　with　fear　and
agony。

Yet　she　was　pushing　him　off　from　her；　pushing　him　away；
breaking　his　fingers　from　their　hold　on　her；　persistently；
ruthlessly。　He　wanted　her　to　have　pity。　And　sometimes　for　a
moment　she　had　pity。　But　she　always　began　again；　thrusting　him
off；　into　the　deep　water；　into　the　frenzy　and　agony　of
uncertainty。

She　became　like　a　fury　to　him；　without　any　sense　of　him。　Her
eyes　were　bright　with　a　cold；　unmoving　hatred。　Then　his　heart
seemed　to　die　in　its　last　fear。　She　might　push　him　off　into　the
deeps。

She　would　not　sleep　with　him　any　more。　She　said　he　destroyed
her　sleep。　Up　started　all　his　frenzy　and　madness　of　fear　and
suffering。　She　drove　him　away。　Like　a　cowed；　lurking　devil　he
was　driven　off；　his　mind　working　cunningly　against　her；　devising
evil　for　her。　But　she　drove　him　off。　In　his　moments　of　intense
suffering；　she　seemed　to　him　inconceivable；　a　monster；　the
principle　of　cruelty。

However　her　pity　might　give　way　for　moments；　she　was　hard　and
cold　as　a　jewel。　He　must　be　put　off　from　her；　she　must　sleep
alone。　She　made　him　a　bed　in　the　small　room。

And　he　lay　there　whipped；　his　soul　whipped　almost　to　death；
yet　unchanged。　He　lay　in　agony　of　suffering；　thrown　back　into
unreality；　like　a　man　thrown　overboard　into　a　sea；　to　swim　till
he　sinks；　because　there　is　no　hold；　only　a　wide；　weltering
sea。

He　did　not　sleep；　save　for　the　white　sleep　when　a　thin　veil
is　drawn　over　the　mind。　It　was　not　sleep。　He　was　awake；　and　he
was　not　awake。　He　could　not　be　alone。　He　needed　to　be　able　to
put　his　arms　round　her。　He　could　not　bear　the　empty　space
against　his　breast；　where　she　used　to　be。　He　could　not　bear　it。
He　felt　as　if　he　were　suspended　in　space；　held　there　by　the　grip
of　his　will。　If　he　relaxed　his　will　would　fall；　fall　through
endless　space；　into　the　bottomless　pit；　always　falling；
willless；　helpless；　nonexistent；　just　dropping　to　extinction；
falling　till　the　fire　of　friction　had　burned　out；　like　a　falling
star；　then　nothing；　nothing；　plete　nothing。

He　rose　in　the　morning　grey　and　unreal。　And　she　seemed　fond
of　him　again；　she　seemed　to　make　up　to　him　a　little。

〃I　slept　well；〃　she　said；　with　her　slightly　false　brightness。
〃Did　you？〃

〃All　right；〃　he　answered。

He　would　never　tell　her。

For　three　or　four　nights　he　lay　alone　through　the　white
sleep；　his　will　unchanged；　unchanged；　still　tense；　fixed　in　its
grip。　Then；　as　if　she　were　revived　and　free　to　be　fond　of　him
again；