The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第54章

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never　let　me　bee　myself；　I　thought　he　was　truly　the　beginning
and　the　end。　So　I　let　him　take　all　upon　himself。　Yet　all　did　not
depend　on　him。　Life　must　go　on；　and　I　must　marry　your
grandfather；　and　have　your　Uncle　Tom；　and　your　Uncle　Fred。　We
cannot　take　so　much　upon　ourselves。〃

The　child's　heart　beat　fast　as　she　listened　to　these　things。
She　could　not　understand；　but　she　seemed　to　feel　faroff　things。
It　gave　her　a　deep；　joyous　thrill；　to　know　she　hailed　from　far
off；　from　Poland；　and　that　darkbearded　impressive　man。　Strange；
her　antecedents　were；　and　she　felt　fate　on　either　side　of　her
terrible。

Almost　every　day；　Ursula　saw　her　grandmother；　and　every　time；
they　talked　together。　Till　the　grandmother's　sayings　and
stories；　told　in　the　plete　hush　of　the　Marsh　bedroom；
accumulated　with　mystic　significance；　and　became　a　sort　of　Bible
to　the　child。

And　Ursula　asked　her　deepest　childish　questions　of　her
grandmother。

〃Will　somebody　love　me；　grandmother？〃

〃Many　people　love　you；　child。　We　all　love　you。〃

〃But　when　I　am　grown　up；　will　somebody　love　me？〃

〃Yes；　some　man　will　love　you；　child；　because　it's　your
nature。　And　I　hope　it　will　be　somebody　who　will　love　you　for
what　you　are；　and　not　for　what　he　wants　of　you。　But　we　have　a
right　to　what　we　want。〃

Ursula　was　frightened；　hearing　these　things。　Her　heart　sank；
she　felt　she　had　no　ground　under　her　feet。　She　clung　to　her
grandmother。　Here　was　peace　and　security。　Here；　from　her
grandmother's　peaceful　room；　the　door　opened　on　to　the　greater
space；　the　past；　which　was　so　big；　that　all　it　contained　seemed
tiny；　loves　and　births　and　deaths；　tiny　units　and　features
within　a　vast　horizon。　That　was　a　great　relief；　to　know　the　tiny
importance　of　the　individual；　within　the　great　past。



CHAPTER　X

THE　WIDENING　CIRCLE

It　was　very　burdensome　to　Ursula；　that　she　was　the　eldest　of
the　family。　By　the　time　she　was　eleven；　she　had　to　take　to
school　Gudrun　and　Theresa　and　Catherine。　The　boy；　William；
always　called　Billy；　so　that　he　should　not　be　confused　with　his
father；　was　a　lovable；　rather　delicate　child　of　three；　so　he
stayed　at　home　as　yet。　There　was　another　baby　girl；　called
Cassandra。

The　children　went　for　a　time　to　the　little　church　school　just
near　the　Marsh。　It　was　the　only　place　within　reach；　and　being　so
small；　Mrs。　Brangwen　felt　safe　in　sending　her　children　there；
though　the　village　boys　did　nickname　Ursula　〃Urtler〃；　and　Gudrun
〃Goodrunner〃；　and　Theresa　〃Teapot〃。

Gudrun　and　Ursula　were　comates。　The　second　child；　with　her
long；　sleepy　body　and　her　endless　chain　of　fancies；　would　have
nothing　to　do　with　realities。　She　was　not　for　them；　she　was　for
her　own　fancies。　Ursula　was　the　one　for　realities。　So　Gudrun
left　all　such　to　her　elder　sister；　and　trusted　in　her
implicitly；　indifferently。　Ursula　had　a　great　tenderness　for　her
comate　sister。

It　was　no　good　trying　to　make　Gudrun　responsible。　She　floated
along　like　a　fish　in　the　sea；　perfect　within　the　medium　of　her
own　difference　and　being。　Other　existence　did　not　trouble　her。
Only　she　believed　in　Ursula；　and　trusted　to　Ursula。

The　eldest　child　was　very　much　fretted　by　her　responsibility
for　the　other　young　ones。　Especially　Theresa；　a　sturdy；
boldeyed　thing；　had　a　faculty　for　warfare。

〃Our　Ursula；　Billy　Pillins　has　lugged　my　hair。〃

〃What　did　you　say　to　him？〃

〃I　said　nothing。〃

Then　the　Brangwen　girls　were　in　for　a　feud　with　the
Pillinses；　or　Phillipses。

〃You　won't　pull　my　hair　again；　Billy　Pillins；〃　said　Theresa；
walking　with　her　sisters；　and　looking　superbly　at　the　freckled；
redhaired　boy。

〃Why　shan't　I？〃　retorted　Billy　Pillins。

〃You　won't　because　you　dursn't；〃　said　the　tiresome
Theresa。

〃You　e　here；　then；　Teapot；　an'　see　if　I　dursna。〃

Up　marched　Teapot；　and　immediately　Billy　Pillins　lugged　her
black；　snaky　locks。　In　a　rage　she　flew　at　him。　Immediately　in
rushed　Ursula　and　Gudrun；　and　little　Katie；　in　clashed　the　other
Phillipses；　Clem　and　Walter；　and　Eddie　Anthony。　Then　there　was　a
fray。　The　Brangwen　girls　were　wellgrown　and　stronger　than　many
boys。　But　for　pinafores　and　long　hair；　they　would　have　carried
easy　victories。　They　went　home；　however；　with　hair　lugged　and
pinafores　torn。　It　was　a　joy　to　the　Phillips　boys　to　rip　the
pinafores　of　the　Brangwen　girls。

Then　there　was　an　outcry。　Mrs。　Brangwen　would　not　have
it；　no；　she　would　not。　All　her　innate　dignity　and
standoffishness　rose　up。　Then　there　was　the　vicar　lecturing　the
school。　〃It　was　a　sad　thing　that　the　boys　of　Cossethay　could　not
behave　more　like　gentlemen　to　the　girls　of　Cossethay。　Indeed；
what　kind　of　boy　was　it　that　should　set　upon　a　girl；　and　kick
her；　and　beat　her；　and　tear　her　pinafore？　That　boy　deserved
severe　castigation；　and　the　name　of　coward；　for　no　boy
who　was　not　a　cowardetc。；　etc。〃

Meanwhile　much　hangdog　fury　in　the　Pillinses'　hearts；　much
virtue　in　the　Brangwen　girls'；　particularly　in　Theresa's。　And
the　feud　continued；　with　periods　of　extraordinary　amity；　when
Ursula　was　Clem　Phillips's　sweetheart；　and　Gudrun　was　Walter's；
and　Theresa　was　Billy's；　and　even　the　tiny　Katie　had　to　be　Eddie
Ant'ny's　sweetheart。　There　was　the　closest　union。　At　every
possible　moment　the　little　gang　of　Brangwens　and　Phillipses　flew
together。　Yet　neither　Ursula　nor　Gudrun　would　have　any　real
intimacy　with　the　Phillips　boys。　It　was　a　sort　of　fiction　to
them；　this　alliance　and　this　dubbing　of　sweethearts。

Again　Mrs。　Brangwen　rose　up。

〃Ursula；　I　will　not　have　you　raking　the　roads　with
lads；　so　I　tell　you。　Now　stop　it；　and　the　rest　will　stop
it。〃

How　Ursula　hated　always　to　represent　the　little
Brangwen　club。　She　could　never　be　herself；　no；　she　was　always
UrsulaGudrunTheresaCatherineand　later　even　Billy　was
added　on　to　her。　Moreover；　she　did　not　want　the　Phillipses
either。　She　was　out　of　taste　with　them。

However；　the　BrangwenPillins　coalition　readily　broke　down；
owing　to　the　unfair　superiority　of　the　Brangwens。　The　Brangwens
were　rich。　They　had　free　access　to　the　Marsh　Farm。　The　school
teachers　were　almost　respectful　to　the　girls；　the　vicar　spoke　to
them　on　equal　terms。　The　Brangwen　girls　presumed；　they　tossed
their　heads。

〃You're　not　ivrybody；　Urtler　Brangwin；　uglymug；〃　said
Clem　Phillips；　his　face　going　very　red。

〃I'm　better　than　you；　for　all　that；〃　retorted　Urtler。

〃You　think　you　arewi'　a　face　like
thatUgly　Mug；Urtler　Brangwin；〃　he　began　to　jeer；
trying　to　set　all　the　others　in　cry　against　her。　Then　there　was
hostility　again。　How　she　hated　their　jeering。　She　became
cold　against　the　Phillipses。　Ursula　was　very　proud　in　her
family。　The　Brangwen　girls　had　all　a　curious　blind　dignity；　even
a　kind　of　nobility　in　their　bearing。　By　some　result　of　breed　and
upbringing；　they　seemed　to　rush　along　their　own　lives　without
caring　that　they　existed　to　other　people。　Never　from　the　start
did　it　occur　to　Ursula　that　other　people　might　hold　a　low
opinion　of　her。　She　thought　that　whosoever　knew　her；　knew　she
was　enough　and　accepted　her　as　such。　She　thought　it　was　a　world
of　people　like　herself。　She　suffered　bitterly　if　she　were　forced
to　have　a　low　opinion　of　any　person；　and　she　never　fave　that
person。

This　was　maddening　to　many　little　people。　All　their　lives；
the　Brangwens　were　meeting　folk　who　tried　to　pull　them　down　to
make　them　seem　little。　Curiously；　the　mother　was　aware　of　what
would　happen；　and　was　always　ready　to　give　her　children　the
advantage　of　the　move。

When　Ursula　was　twelve；　and　the　mon　school　and　the
panionship　of　the　village　children；　niggardly　and　begrudging；
was　beginning　to　affect　her；　Anna　sent　her　with　Gudrun　to　the
Grammar　School　in　Nottingham。　This　was　a　great　release　for
Ursula。　She　had　a　passionate　craving　to　escape　from　the
belittling　circumstances　of　life；　the　little　jealousies；　the
little　differences；　the　little　meannesses。　It　was　a　torture　to
her　that　the　Phillipses　were　poorer　and　meaner　than　herself；
that　they　used　mean　little　reservations；　took　petty　little
advantages。　She　wanted　to　be　with　her　equals：　but　not　by
diminishing　herself。　She　did　want　Clem　Phillips　to　be　her
equal。　But　by　some　puzzling；　painful　fate　or　other；　when　he　was
really　there　with　her；　he　produced　in　her　a　tight　feeling　in　the
head。　She　wanted　to　beat　her　forehead；　to　escape。

Then　she　found　that　the　way　to　escape　was　easy。　One　departed
from　the　whole　circumstance。　One　went　away　to　the　Grammar
School；　and　left　the　little　school；　the　meagre　teachers；　the
Phillipses　whom　she　had　tried　to　love　but　who　had　made　her　fail；
and　whom　she　could　not　five。　She　had　an　instinctive　fear　of
petty　people；　as　a　deer　is　afraid　of　dogs。　Because　she　was
blind；　she　could　not　calculate　nor　estimate　people。　She　must
think　that　everybody　was　just　like　herself。

She　measured　by　the　standard　of　her　own　people：　her　father
and　mother；　her　grandmother；　her　uncles。　Her　beloved　father；　so
utterly　simple　in　his　demeanour；　yet　with　his　strong；　dark　soul
fixed　like　a　root　in　unexpressed　depths　that　fascinated　and
terrified　her：　her　mother；　so　strangely　free　of　all　money　and
convention　and　fear；　entirely　indifferent　to　the　world；　standing
by　herself；　without　connection：　her　grandmother；　who　had　e
from　so　far　and　was　centred　in　so　wide　an　horizon：　people　must
e　up　to　these　standards　before　they　could　be　Ursula's
people。

So　even　as　a　girl　of　twelve　she　was　glad　to　burst　the　narrow
boundary　of　Cossethay；　where　only　limited　people　lived。　Outside；
was　all　vastness；　and　a　throng　of　real；　proud　people　whom　she
would　love。

Going　to　school　by　train；　she　must　leave　home　at　a　quarter　to
eight　in　the　morning；　and　she　did　not　arrive　again　till
halfpast　five　at　evening。　Of　this　she　was　glad；　for　the　house
was　small　and　overful。　It　was　a　storm　of　movement；　whence　there
had　been　no　escape。　She　hated　so　much　being　in　charge。

The　house　was　a　storm　of　movement。　The　children　were　healthy
and　turbulent；　the　mother　only　wanted　their　animal　wellbeing。
To　Ursula；　as　she　grew　a　little　older；　it　became　a　nightmare。
When　she　saw；　later；　a　Rubens　picture　with　storms　of　naked
babies；　and　found　this　was　called　〃Fecundity〃；　she　shuddered；
and　the　world　became　abhorrent　to　her。　She　knew　as　a　child　what
it　was　to　live　amidst　storms　of　babies；