2 new+moon新月-第68章

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seed　of　doubt　in　your　head。　I　lied；　and　I'm　so　sorry—sorry　because　I　hurt　you；　sorry　because　it　was　a　
worthless　effort。　Sorry　that　I　couldn't　protect　you　from　what　I　an。　I　lied　to　save　you；　and　it　didn't　work。　
I'm　sorry。　

〃But　how　could　you　believe　me？　After　all　the　thousand　times　I've　told　you　I　love　you；　how　could　you　let　
one　word　break　your　faith　in　me？〃　

I　didn't　answer。　I　was　too　shocked　to　form　a　rational　response。　

〃I　could　see　it　in　your　eyes；　that　you　honestly　believed　that　I　didn't　want　you　anymore。　The　most　absurd；　
ridiculous　concept—as　if　there　were　anu　way　that　I　could　exist　without　needing　you！〃　

I　was　still　frozen。　His　words　were　inprehensible；　because　they　were　impossible。　

He　shook　my　shoulder　again；　not　hard；　but　enough　that　my　teeth　rattled　a　little。　

〃Bella；〃　he　sighed。　〃Really；　what　were　you　thinking！〃　

And　so　I　started　to　cry。　The　tears　welled　up　and　then　gushed　miserably　down　my　cheeks。　

〃I　knew　it；〃　I　sobbed。　〃I　knew　I　was　dreaming。〃　

〃You're　impossible；〃　he　said；　and　he　laughed　once—a　hard　laugh；　frustrated。　〃How　can　I　put　this　so　that　
you'll　believe　me？　You're　not　asleep；　and　you're　not　dead。　I'm　here；　and　I　love　you。　I　have　always　loved　
you；　and　I　will　always　love　you。　I　was　thinking　of　you；　seeing　your　face　in　my　mind；　every　second　that　I　
was　away。　When　I　told　you　that　I　didn't　want　you；　it　was　the　very　blackest　kind　of　blasphemy。〃　

I　shook　my　head　while　the　tears　continued　to　ooze　from　the　corners　of　my　eyes。　

〃You　don't　believe　me；　do　you？〃　he　whispered；　his　face　paler　than　his　usual　pale—I　could　see　that　even　
in　the　dim　light。　〃Why　can　you　believe　the　lie；　but　not　the　truth？〃　

〃It　never　made　sense　for　you　to　love　me；〃　I　explained；　my　voice　breaking　twice。　〃I　always　knew　that。〃　

His　eyes　narrowed；　his　jaw　tightened。　

〃I'll　prove　you're　awake；〃　he　promised。　

He　caught　my　face　securely　between　his　iron　hands；　ignoring　my　struggles　when　I　tried　to　turn　my　head　
away。　

〃Please　don't；〃　I　whispered。　

He　stopped；　his　lips　just　half　an　inch　from　mine。　

〃Why　not？〃　he　demanded。　His　breath　blew　into　my　face；　making　my　head　whirl。　

〃When　I　wake　up〃—He　opened　his　mouth　to　protest；　so　I　revised—〃okay；　forget　that　one—when　you　
leave　again；　it's　going　to　be　hard　enough　without　this；　too。〃　

He　pulled　back　an　inch；　to　stare　at　my　face。　

〃Yesterday；　when　I　would　touch　you；　you　were　so…　hesitant；　so　careful；　and　yet　still　the　same。　I　need　to　
know　why。　Is　it　because　I'm　too　late？　Because　I've　hurt　you　too　much？　Because　you　have　moved　on；　as　
I　meant　for　you　to？　That　would　be…　quite　fair。　I　won't　contest　your　decision。　So　don't　try　to　spare　my　
feelings；　please—just　tell　me　now　whether　or　not　you　can　still　love　me；　after　everything　I've　done　to　you。　
Can　you？〃　he　whispered。　

〃What　kind　of　an　idiotic　question　is　that？〃　

〃Just　answer　it。　Please。〃　

I　stared　at　him　darkly　for　a　long　moment。　〃The　way　I　feel　about　you　will　never　change。　Of　course　I　love　
you—and　there's　nothing　you　can　do　about　it！〃　

〃That's　all　I　needed　to　hear。〃　

His　mouth　was　on　mine　then；　and　I　couldn't　fight　him。　Not　because　he　was　so　many　thousand　times　
stronger　than　me；　but　because　my　will　crumbled　into　dust　the　second　our　lips　met。　This　kiss　was　not　quite　
as　careful　as　others　I　remembered；　which　suited　me　just　fine。　If　I　was　going　to　rip　myself　up　further；　I　
might　as　well　get　as　much　in　trade　as　possible。　

So　I　kissed　him　back；　my　heart　pounding　out　a　jagged；　disjointed　rhythm　while　my　breathing　turned　to　
panting　and　my　fingers　moved　greedily　to　his　face。　I　could　feel　his　marble　body　against　every　line　of　mine；　
and　I　was　so　glad　he　hadn't　listened　to　me—there　was　no　pain　in　the　world　that　would　have　justified　
missing　this。　His　hands　memorized　my　face；　the　same　way　mine　were　tracing　his；　and；　in　the　brief　seconds　
when　his　lips　were　free；　he　whispered　my　name。　

When　I　was　starting　to　get　dizzy；　he　pulled　away；　only　to　lay　his　ear　against　my　heart。　

I　lay　there；　dazed；　waiting　for　my　gasping　to　slow　and　quiet。　

〃By　the　way；〃　he　said　in　a　casual　tone。　〃I'm　not　leaving　you。〃　

I　didn't　say　anything；　and　he　seemed　to　hear　skepticism　in　my　silence。　

He　lifted　his　face　to　lock　my　gaze　in　his。　〃I'm　not　going　anywhere。　Not　without　you；〃　he　added　more　
seriously。　

〃I　only　left　you　in　the　first　place　because　I　wanted　you　to　have　a　chance　at　a　normal；　happy；　human　life。　I　
could　see　what　I　was　doing　to　you—keeping　you　constantly　on　the　edge　of　danger；　taking　you　away　
from　the　world　you　belonged　in；　risking　your　life　every　moment　I　was　with　you。　So　I　had　to　try。　I　had　to　
do　something；　and　it　seemed　like　leaving　was　the　only　way。　If　I　hadn't　thought　you　would　be　better　off；　I　

could　have　never　made　myself　leave。　I'm　much　too　selfish。　Only　you　could　be　more　important　than　what　I　
wanted…　what　I　needed。　What　I　want　and　need　is　to　be　with　you；　and　I　know　I'll　never　be　strong　
enough　to　leave　again。　I　have　too　many　excuses　to　stay—thank　heaven　for　that！　It　seems　you　can't　be　
safe；　no　matter　how　many　miles　I　put　between　us。〃　

〃Don't　promise　me　anything；〃　I　whispered。　If　I　let　myself　hope；　and　it　came　to　nothing…　that　would　kill　
me。　Where　all　those　merciless　vampires　had　not　been　able　to　finish　me　off；　hope　would　do　the　job。　

Anger　glinted　metallic　in　his　black　eyes。　〃You　think　I'm　lying　to　you　now？〃　

〃No—not　lying。〃　I　shook　my　head；　trying　to　think　it　through　coherently。　To　examine　the　hypothesis　that　
he　did　love　me；　while　staying　objective；　clinical；　so　I　wouldn't　fall　into　the　trap　of　hoping。　〃You　could　
mean　it…　now。　But　what　about　tomorrow；　when　you　think　about　all　the　reasons　you　left　in　the　first　
place？　Or　next　month；　when　Jasper　takes　a　snap　at　me？〃　

He　flinched。　

I　thought　back　over　those　last　days　of　my　life　before　he　left　me；　tried　to　see　them　through　the　filter　of　
what　he　was　telling　me　now。　From　that　perspective；　imagining　that　he'd　left　me　while　loving　me；　left　me　
for　me；　his　brooding　and　cold　silences　took　on　a　different　meaning。　〃It　isn't　as　if　you　hadn't　thought　the　
first　decision　through；　is　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃You'll　end　up　doing　what　you　think　is　right。〃　

〃I'm　not　as　strong　as　you　give　me　credit　for；〃　he　said。　〃Right　and　wrong　have　ceased　to　mean　much　to　
me；　I　was　ing　back　anyway。　Before　Rosalie　told　me　the　news；　I　was　already　past　trying　to　live　
through　one　week　at　a　time；　or　even　one　day。　I　was　fighting　to　make　it　through　a　single　hour。　It　was　only　
a　matter　of　time—and　not　much　of　it—before　I　showed　up　at　your　window　and　begged　you　to　take　me　
back。　I'd　be　happy　to　beg　now；　if　you'd　like　that。〃　

I　grimaced。　〃Be　serious；　please。〃　

〃Oh；　I　am；〃　he　insisted；　glaring　now。　〃Will　you　please　try　to　hear　what　I'm　telling　you？　Will　you　let　me　
attempt　to　explain　what　you　mean　to　me？〃　

He　waited；　studying　my　face　as　he　spoke　to　make　sure　I　was　really　listening。　

〃Before　you；　Bella；　my　life　was　like　a　moonless　night。　Very　dark；　but　there　were　stars—points　of　light　
and　reason…　And　then　you　shot　across　my　sky　like　a　meteor。　Suddenly　everything　was　on　fire；　there　
was　brilliancy；　there　was　beauty。　When　you　were　gone；　when　the　meteor　had　fallen　over　the　horizon；　
everything　went　black。　Nothing　had　changed；　but　my　eyes　were　blinded　by　the　light。　I　couldn't　see　the　
stars　anymore。　And　there　was　no　more　reason　for　anything。〃　

I　wanted　to　believe　him。　But　this　was　my　life　without　him　that　he　was　describing；　not　the　other　way　
around。　

〃Your　eyes　will　adjust；〃　I　mumbled。　

〃That's　just　the　problem—they　can't。〃　

〃What　about　your　distractions？〃　

He　laughed　without　a　trace　of　humor。　〃Just　part　of　the　lie；　love。　There　was　no　distraction　from　the…　the　
agony。　My　heart　hasn't　beat　in　almost　niy　years；　but　this　was　different。　It　was　like　my　heart　was　
gone—like　I　was　hollow。　Like　I'd　left　everything　that　was　inside　me　here　with　you。〃　

〃That's　funny；〃　I　muttered。　

He　arched　one　perfect　eyebrow。　〃Funny？　〃　

〃I　meant　strange—I　thought　it　was　just　me。　Lots　of　pieces　of　me　went　missing；　too。　I　haven't　been　able　to　
really　breathe　in　so　long。〃　I　filled　my　lungs；　luxuriating　in　the　sensation。　〃And　my　heart。　That　was　definitely　
lost。〃　

He　closed　his　eyes　and　laid　his　ear　over　my　heart　again。　I　let　my　cheek　press　against　his　hair；　felt　the　
texture　of　it　on　my　skin；　smelled　the　delicious　scent　of　him。　

〃Tracking　wasn't　a　distraction　then？〃　I　asked；　curious；　and　also　needing　to　distract　myself。　I　was　very　
much　in　danger　of　hoping。　I　wouldn't　be　able　to　stop　myself　for　long。　My　heart　throbbed；　singing　in　my　
chest。　

〃No。〃　He　sighed。　〃That　was　never　a　distraction。　It　was　an　obligation。〃　

〃What　does　that　mean？〃　

〃It　means　that；　even　though　I　never　expected　any　danger　from　Victoria；　I　wasn't　going　to　let　her　get　away　
with…　Well；　like　I　said；　I　was　horrible　at　it。　I　traced　her　as　far　as　Texas；　but　then　I　followed　a　false　lead　
down　to　Brazil—and　really　she　came　here。〃　He　groaned。　〃I　wasn't　even　on　the　right　continent！　And　all　the　
while；　worse　than　my　worst　fears—〃　

〃You　were　hunting　Victoria？〃　I　halfshrieked　as　soon　as　I　could　find　my　voice；　shooting　through　two　
octaves。　

Charlie's　distant　snores　stuttered；　and　then　picked　up　a　regular　rhythm　again。　

〃Not　well；〃　Edward　answered；　studying　my　outraged　expression　with　a　confused　look。　〃But　I'll　do　better　
this　time。　She　won't　be　tainting　perfectly　good　air　by　breathing　in　and　out　for　much　longer。〃　

〃That　is…　out　of　the　question；〃　I　managed　to　choke　out。　Insanity。　Even　if　he　had　Emmett　or　Jasper　help　
him。　Even　if　he　had　Emmett　and　Jasper　help。　It　was　worse　than　my　other　imaginings：　Jacob　Black　
standing　across　a　small　space　from　Victoria's　vicious　and　feline　figure。　I　couldn't　bear　to　picture　Edward　
there；　even　though　he　was　so　much　more　durable　than　my　halfhuman　best　friend。　

〃It's　too　late　for　her。　I　might　have　let　the　other　time　slide；　but　not　now；　not　after—〃　

I　interrupted　him　again；　trying　to　sound　calm。　〃Didn't　you　just　promise　that　you　weren't　going　to　leave？〃　I　
asked；　fighting　the　words　as　I　said　them；　nor　letting　them　plant　themselves　in　my　heart。　〃That　isn't　exactly　
patible　with　an　extended　tracking　expedition；　is　it？〃　

He　frowned。　A