5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第18章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


　was　hard　to　cling　even　slightly　to　reason　or　restraint　in　those　moments。　And；　just　like　that　first　day；　the　monster　in　me　would　roar；　so　close　to　the　surface　The　curiosity　was　the　most　constant　of　my　torments。　The　question　was　never　out　of　my　mind：　What　is　she　thinking　now？　When　I　heard　her　quietly　sigh。　When　she　twisted　a　lock　of　hair　absently　around　her　finger。　When　she　threw　her　books　down　with　more　force　than　usual。　When　she　rushed　to　class　late。　When　she　tapped　her　foot　impatiently　against　the　floor。　Each　movement　caught　in　my　peripheral　vision　was　a　maddening　mystery。　When　she　spoke　to　the　other　human　students；　I　analyzed　her　every　word　and　tone。　Was　she　speaking　her　thoughts；　or　what　she　thought　she　should　say？　It　often　sounded　to　me　like　she　was　trying　to　say　what　her　audience　expected；　and　this　reminded　me　of　my　family　and　our　daily　life　of　illusion　we　were　better　at　it　than　she　was。　Unless　I　wrong　about　that；　just　imagining　things。　Why　would　she　have　to　play　a　role？　She　was　one　of　them　a　human　teenager。　Mike　Newton　was　the　most　surprising　of　my　torments。　Who　would　have　ever　dreamed　that　such　a　generic；　boring　mortal　could　be　so　infuriating？　To　be　fair；　I　should　have　felt　some　gratitude　to　the　annoying　boy；　more　than　the　others；　he　kept　the　girl　talking。　I　learned　so　much　about　her　through　these　conversations　I　was　still　piling　my　list　but；　contrarily；　Mike　s　assistance　with　this　project　only　aggravated　me　more。　I　didn　t　want　Mike　to　be　the　one　that　unlocked　her　secrets。　I　wanted　to　do　that。　It　helped　that　he　never　noticed　her　small　revelations；　her　little　slips。　He　knew　nothing　about　her。　He　d　created　a　Bella　in　his　head　that　didn　t　exist　a　girl　just　as　generic　as　he　was。　He　hadn　t　observed　the　unselfishness　and　bravery　that　set　her　apart　from　other　humans；　he　didn　t　hear　the　abnormal　maturity　of　her　spoken　thoughts。　He　didn　t　perceive　that　when　she　spoke　of　her　mother；　she　sounded　like　a　parent　speaking　of　a　child　rather　than　the　other　way　around　loving；　indulgent；　slightly　amused；　and　fiercely　protective。　He　didn　t　hear　the　patience　in　her　voice　when　she　feigned　interest　in　his　rambling　stories；　and　didn　t　guess　at　the　kindness　behind　that　patience。　Through　her　conversations　with　Mike；　I　was　able　to　add　the　most　important　quality　to　my　list；　the　most　revealing　of　them　all；　as　simple　as　it　was　rare。　Bella　was　good。　All　the　other　things　added　up　to　that　whole　kind　and　selfeffacing　and　unselfish　and　loving　and　brave　she　was　good　through　and　through。　These　helpful　discoveries　did　not　warm　me　to　the　boy；　however。　The　possessive　way　he　viewed　Bella　as　if　she　were　an　acquisition　to　be　made　provoked　me　almost　as　much　as　his　crude　fantasies　about　her。　He　was　being　more　confident　of　her；　too；　as　the　time　passed；　for　she　seemed　to　prefer　him　over　those　he　considered　his　rivals　Tyler　Crowley；　Eric　Yorkie；　and　even；　sporadically；　myself。　He　would　routinely　sit　on　her　side　of　our　table　before　class　began；　chattering　at　her；　encouraged　by　her　smiles。　Just　polite　smiles；　I　told　myself。　All　the　same；　I　frequently　amused　myself　by　imagining　backhanding　him　across　the　room　and　into　the　far　wall　It　probably　wouldn　t　injure　him　fatally

Mike　didn　t　often　think　of　me　as　a　rival。　After　the　accident；　he　d　worried　that　Bella　and　I　would　bond　from　the　shared　experience；　but　obviously　the　opposite　had　resulted。　Back　then；　he　had　still　been　bothered　that　I　d　singled　Bella　out　over　her　peers　for　attention。　But　now　I　ignored　her　just　as　thoroughly　as　the　others；　and　he　grew　placent。　What　was　she　thinking　now？　Did　she　wele　his　attention？　And；　finally；　the　last　of　my　torments；　the　most　painful：　Bella　s　indifference。　As　I　ignored　her；　she　ignored　me。　She　never　tried　to　speak　to　me　again。　For　all　I　knew；　she　never　thought　about　me　at　all。　This　might　have　driven　me　mad　or　even　broken　my　resolution　to　change　the　future　except　that　she　sometimes　stared　at　me　like　she　had　before。　I　didn　t　see　it　for　myself；　as　I　could　not　allow　myself　to　look　at　her；　but　Alice　always　warned　us　when　she　was　about　to　stare；　the　others　were　still　wary　of　the　girl　s　problematic　knowledge。　It　eased　some　of　the　pain　that　she　gazed　at　me　from　across　a　distance；　every　now　and　then。　Of　course；　she　could　just　be　wondering　what　kind　of　a　freak　I　was。　Bella　s　going　to　stare　at　Edward　in　a　minute。　Look　normal；　Alice　said　one　Tuesday　in　March；　and　the　others　were　careful　to　fidget　and　shift　their　weight　like　humans；　absolute　stillness　was　a　marker　of　our　kind。　I　paid　attention　to　how　often　she　looked　my　direction。　It　pleased　me；　though　it　should　not；　that　the　frequency　did　not　decline　as　the　time　passed。　I　didn　t　know　what　it　meant；　but　it　made　me　feel　better。　Alice　sighed。　I　wish　It　s　not　going　to　happen。　In　a　Stay　out　of　it；　Alice；　I　said　under　my　breath。　She　pouted。　Alice　was　anxious　to　form　her　envisioned　friendship　with　Bella。　strange　way；　she　missed　the　girl　she　didn　t　know。　I　ll　admit；　you　re　better　than　I　thought。　You　ve　got　the　future　all　snarled　up　and　senseless　again。　I　hope　you　re　happy。　It　makes　plenty　of　sense　to　me。　She　snorted　delicately。　I　tried　to　shut　her　out；　too　impatient　for　conversation。　I　wasn　t　in　a　very　good　mood　tenser　than　I　let　any　of　them　see。　Only　Jasper　was　aware　of　how　tightly　wound　I　was；　feeling　the　stress　emanate　out　of　me　with　his　unique　ability　to　both　sense　and　influence　the　moods　of　others。　He　didn　t　understand　the　reasons　behind　the　moods；　though；　and　since　I　was　constantly　in　a　foul　mood　these　days　he　disregarded　it。　Today　would　be　a　hard　one。　Harder　than　the　day　before；　as　was　the　pattern。　Mike　Newton；　the　odious　boy　whom　I　could　not　allow　myself　to　rival；　was　going　to　ask　Bella　on　a　date。　A　girl　s　choice　dance　was　on　the　near　horizon；　and　he　d　been　hoping　very　much　that　Bella　would　ask　him。　That　she　had　not　done　so　had　rattled　his　confidence。　Now　he　was　in　an　unfortable　bind　I　enjoyed　his　disfort　more　than　I　should　because　Jessica　Stanley　had　just　asked　him　to　the　dance。　He　didn　t　want　to　say　yes；

still　hopeful　that　Bella　would　choose　him　（and　prove　him　the　victor　over　his　rivals）；　but　he　didn　t　want　to　say　no　and　end　up　missing　the　dance　altogether。　Jessica；　hurt　by　his　hesitation　and　guessing　the　reason　behind　it；　was　thinking　daggers　at　Bella。　Again；　I　had　the　instinct　to　place　myself　between　Jessica　s　angry　thoughts　and　Bella。　I　understood　the　instinct　better　now；　but　that　only　made　it　more　frustrating　when　I　could　not　act　on　it。　To　think　it　had　e　to　this！　I　was　utterly　fixated　on　the　petty　high　school　dramas　that　I　d　once　held　so　in　contempt。　Mike　was　working　up　his　nerve　as　he　walked　Bella　to　biology。　I　listened　to　his　struggles　as　I　waited　for　them　to　arrive。　The　boy　was　weak。　He　had　waited　for　this　dance　purposely；　afraid　to　make　his　infatuation　known　before　she　had　shown　a　marked　preference　for　him。　He　didn　t　want　to　make　himself　vulnerable　to　rejection；　preferring　that　she　make　that　leap　first。　Coward。　He　sat　down　on　our　table　again；　fortable　with　long　familiarity；　and　I　imagined　the　sound　it　would　make　if　his　body　hit　the　opposite　wall　with　enough　force　to　break　most　of　his　bones。　So；　he　said　to　the　girl；　his　eyes　on　the　floor。　dance。　Jessica　asked　me　to　the　spring　That　s　great；　Bella　answered　immediately　and　with　enthusiasm。　It　was　hard　not　to　smile　as　her　tone　sunk　in　to　Mike　s　awareness。　He　d　been　hoping　for　dismay。　You　ll　have　a　lot　of　fun　with　Jessica。　He　scrambled　for　the　right　response。　Well　he　hesitated；　and　almost　chickened　out。　Then　he　rallied。　I　told　her　I　had　to　think　about　it。　Why　would　you　do　that？　she　demanded。　Her　tone　was　one　of　disapproval；　but　there　was　the　faintest　hint　of　relief　there　as　well。　What　did　that　mean？　An　unexpected；　intense　fury　made　my　hands　clench　into　fists。　Mike　did　not　hear　the　relief。　His　face　was　red　with　blood　fierce　as　I　suddenly　felt；　this　seemed　like　an　invitation　and　he　looked　at　the　floor　again　as　he　spoke。　I　was　wondering　if　well；　if　you　might　be　planning　to　ask　me。　Bella　hesitated。　In　that　moment　of　her　hesitation；　I　saw　the　future　more　clearly　than　Alice　ever　had。　The　girl　might　say　yes　to　Mike　s　unspoken　question　now；　and　she　might　not；　but　either　way；　someday　soon；　she　would　say　yes　to　someone。　She　was　lovely　and　intriguing；　and　human　males　were　not　oblivious　to　this　fact。　Whether　she　would　settle　for　someone　in　this　lackluster　crowd；　or　wait　until　she　was　free　from　Forks；　the　day　would　e　that　she　would　say　yes。　I　saw　her　life　as　I　had　before　college；　career　love；　marriage。　I　saw　her　on　her　father　s　arm　again；　dressed　in　gauzy　white；　her　face　flushed　with　happiness　as　she　moved　to　the　sound　of　Wagner　s　march。

The　pain　was　more　than　anything　I　d　felt　before。　A　human　would　have　to　be　on　the　point　of　death　to　feel　this　pain　a　human　would　not　live　through　it。　And　not　just　pain；　but　outright　rage。　The　fury　ached　for　some　kind　of　physical　outlet。　Though　this　insignificant；　undeserving　boy　might　not　be　the　one　that　Bella　would　say　yes　to；　I　yearned　to　crush　his　skull　in　my　hand；　to　let　him　stand　as　a　representative　for　whoever　it　would　be。　I　didn　t　understand　this　emotion　it　was　such　a　tangle　of　pain　and　rage　and　desire　and　despair。　I　had　never　felt　it　before；　I　couldn　t　put　a　name　to　it。　Mike；　I　think　you　should　tell　her　yes；　Bella　said　in　a　gentle　voice。　Mike　s　hopes　plummeted。　I　would　have　enjoyed　that　under　other　circumstances；　but　I　was　lost　in　the　aftershock　of　the　pain　and　the　remorse　for　what　the　pain　and　rage　had　done　to　me。　Alice　was　right。　I　was　not　strong　enough。　Right　now；　Alice　would　be　watching　the　future　spin　and　twist；　bee　mangled　again。　Would　this　please　her？　Did　you　already　ask　someone？　Mike　asked　sullenly。　He　glanced　at　me；　suspicious　for　the　first　time　in　many　weeks。　I　realized　I　had　betrayed　my　interest；　my　head　was　inclined　in　Bella　s　direction。　The　wild　envy　in　his　thoughts　envy　for　whoever　this　girl　preferred　to　him　suddenly　put　a　name　to　my　unnamed　emotion。　I　was　jealous。　No；　the　girl　said　with　a　trace　of　humor　in　her　voice。　dance　at　all。　I　m　not　going　to　the　Suddenly；　I　was　Through　all　the　remorse　and　anger；　I　felt　relief　at　her　words。　considering　my　rivals。　Why　not？　Mike　asked；　his　tone　almost　rude。　tone　with　her。　I　bit　back　a　growl。　It　offended　me　that　he　used　this　I　m　going　to　Seattle　that　Saturday；　she　answered。　The　curiosity　was　not　as　vicious　as　it　would　ha