5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第19章

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is　I　m　going　to　Seattle　that　Saturday；　she　answered。　The　curiosity　was　not　as　vicious　as　it　would　have　been　before　now　that　I　was　fully　intending　to　find　out　the　answers　to　everything。　I　would　know　the　wheres　and　whys　of　this　new　revelation　soon　enough。　Mike　s　tone　turned　unpleasantly　wheedling。　Sorry；　no。　Bella　was　brusquer　now。　longer　it　s　rude。　Can　t　you　go　some　other　weekend？　So　you　shouldn　t　make　Jess　wait　any　Her　concern　for　Jessica　s　feelings　fanned　the　flames　of　my　jealousy。　This　Seattle　trip　was　clearly　an　excuse　to　say　no　did　she　refuse　purely　out　of　loyalty　to　her　friend？　She　was　more　than　selfless　enough　for　that。　Did　she　actually　wish　she　could　say　yes？　Or　were　both　guesses　wrong？　Was　she　interested　in　someone　else？

Yeah；　you　re　right；　Mike　mumbled；　so　demoralized　that　I　almost　felt　pity　for　him。　Almost。　He　dropped　his　eyes　from　the　girl；　cutting　off　my　view　of　her　face　in　his　thoughts。　I　wasn　t　going　to　tolerate　that。　I　turned　to　read　her　face　myself；　for　the　first　time　in　more　than　a　month。　It　was　a　sharp　relief　to　allow　myself　this；　like　a　gasp　of　air　to　longsubmerged　human　lungs。　Her　eyes　were　closed；　and　her　hands　pressed　against　the　sides　of　her　face。　Her　shoulders　curved　inward　defensively。　She　shook　her　head　ever　so　slightly；　as　if　she　were　trying　to　push　some　thought　from　her　mind。　Frustrating。　Fascinating。　Mr。　Banner　s　voice　pulled　her　from　her　reverie；　and　her　eyes　slowly　opened。　She　looked　at　me　immediately；　perhaps　sensing　my　gaze。　She　stared　up　into　my　eyes　with　the　same　bewildered　expression　that　had　haunted　me　for　so　long。　I　didn　t　feel　the　remorse　or　the　guilt　or　the　rage　in　that　second。　I　knew　they　would　e　again；　and　e　soon；　but　for　this　one　moment　I　rode　a　strange；　jittery　high。　As　if　I　had　triumphed；　rather　than　lost。　She　didn　t　look　away；　though　I　stared　with　inappropriate　intensity；　trying　vainly　to　read　her　thoughts　through　her　liquid　brown　eyes。　They　were　full　of　questions；　rather　than　answers。　I　could　see　the　reflection　of　my　own　eyes；　and　I　saw　that　they　were　black　with　thirst。　It　had　been　nearly　two　weeks　since　my　last　hunting　trip；　this　was　not　the　safest　day　for　my　will　to　crumble。　But　the　blackness　did　not　seem　to　frighten　her。　She　still　did　not　look　away；　and　a　soft；　devastatingly　appealing　pink　began　to　color　her　skin。　What　was　she　thinking　now？　I　almost　asked　the　question　aloud；　but　at　that　moment　Mr。　Banner　called　my　name。　I　picked　the　correct　answer　out　of　his　head　while　I　glanced　briefly　in　his　direction。　I　sucked　in　a　quick　breath。　The　Krebs　Cycle。　Thirst　scorched　down　my　throat　tightening　my　muscles　and　filling　my　mouth　with　venom　and　I　closed　my　eyes；　trying　to　concentrate　through　the　desire　for　her　blood　that　raged　inside　me。　The　monster　was　stronger　than　before。　The　monster　was　rejoicing。　He　embraced　this　dual　future　that　gave　him　an　even；　fiftyfifty　chance　at　what　he　craved　so　viciously。　The　third；　shaky　future　I　d　tried　to　construct　through　willpower　alone　had　crumbled　destroyed　by　mon　jealously；　of　all　things　and　he　was　so　much　closer　to　his　goal。　The　remorse　and　the　guilt　burned　with　the　thirst；　and；　if　I　d　had　the　ability　to　produce　tears；　they　would　have　filled　my　eyes　now。　What　had　I　done？　Knowing　the　battle　was　already　lost；　there　seemed　to　be　no　reason　to　resist　what　I　wanted；　I　turned　to　stare　at　the　girl　again。

She　had　hidden　in　her　hair；　but　I　could　see　through　a　parting　in　the　tresses　that　her　cheek　was　deep　crimson　now。　The　monster　liked　that。　She　did　not　meet　my　gaze　again；　but　she　twisted　a　strand　of　her　dark　hair　nervously　between　her　fingers。　Her　delicate　fingers；　her　fragile　wrist　they　were　so　breakable；　looking　for　all　the　world　like　just　my　breath　could　snap　them。　No；　no；　no。　I　could　not　do　this。　She　was　too　breakable；　too　good；　too　precious　to　deserve　this　fate。　I　couldn　t　allow　my　life　to　collide　with　hers；　to　destroy　it。　But　I　couldn　t　stay　away　from　her　either。　Alice　was　right　about　that。　The　monster　inside　me　hissed　with　frustration　as　I　wavered；　leaning　first　one　way；　then　the　other。　My　brief　hour　with　her　passed　all　too　quickly；　as　I　vacillated　between　the　rock　and　the　hard　place。　The　bell　rang；　and　she　started　collecting　her　things　without　looking　at　me。　This　disappointed　me；　but　I　could　hardly　expect　otherwise。　The　way　I　had　treated　her　since　the　accident　was　inexcusable。　Bella？　I　said；　unable　to　stop　myself。　My　willpower　already　lay　in　shreds。　She　hesitated　before　looking　at　me；　when　she　turned；　her　expression　was　guarded；　distrustful。　I　reminded　myself　that　she　had　every　right　to　distrust　me。　That　she　should。　She　waited　for　me　to　continue；　but　I　just　stared　at　her；　reading　her　face。　I　pulled　in　shallow　mouthfuls　of　air　at　regular　intervals；　fighting　my　thirst。　What？　she　finally　said。　Are　you　speaking　to　me　again？　There　was　an　edge　of　resentment　to　her　tone　that　was；　like　her　anger；　endearing。　It　made　me　want　to　smile。　I　wasn　t　sure　how　to　answer　her　question。　Was　I　speaking　to　her　again；　in　the　sense　that　she　meant？　No。　Not　if　I　could　help　it。　I　would　try　to　help　it。　No；　not　really；　I　told　her。　She　closed　her　eyes；　which　frustrated　me。　It　cut　off　my　best　avenue　of　access　to　her　feelings。　She　took　a　long；　slow　breath　without　opening　her　eyes。　Her　jaw　was　locked。　Eyes　still　closed；　she　spoke。　Why　did　she　do　it？　Surely　this　was　not　a　normal　human　way　to　converse。　Then　what　do　you　want；　Edward？　The　sound　of　my　name　on　her　lips　did　strange　things　to　my　body。　heartbeat；　it　would　have　quickened。　But　how　to　answer　her？　If　I　d　had　a　With　the　truth；　I　decided。　I　would　be　as　truthful　as　I　could　with　her　from　now　on。　I　didn　t　want　to　deserve　her　distrust；　even　if　earning　her　trust　was　impossible。

I　m　sorry；　I　told　her。　That　was　truer　than　she　would　ever　know。　Unfortunately；　I　could　only　safely　apologize　for　the　trivial。　I　m　being　very　rude；　I　know。　But　it　s　better　this　way；　really。　I　would　be　better　for　her　if　I　could　keep　it　up；　continue　to　be　rude。　Her　eyes　opened；　their　expression　still　wary。　I　don　t　know　what　you　mean。　I　tried　to　get　as　much　of　a　warning　through　to　her　as　was　allowed。　It　s　better　if　we　re　not　friends。　Surely；　she　could　sense　that　much。　She　was　a　bright　girl。　Trust　me。　Her　eyes　tightened；　and　I　remembered　that　I　had　said　those　words　to　her　before　just　before　breaking　a　promise。　I　winced　when　her　teeth　clenched　together　she　clearly　remembered；　too。　It　s　too　bad　you　didn　t　figure　that　out　earlier；　she　said　angrily。　have　saved　yourself　all　this　regret。　I　stared　at　her　in　shock。　Regret？　What　did　she　know　of　my　regrets？　You　could　Could　I？　Regret　for　what？　I　demanded。　For　not　just　letting　that　stupid　van　squish　me！　she　snapped。　I　froze；　stunned。　How　could　she　be　thinking　that？　Saving　her　life　was　the　one　acceptable　thing　I　d　done　since　I　met　her。　The　one　thing　that　I　was　not　ashamed　of。　The　one　and　only　thing　that　made　me　glad　I　existed　at　all。　I　d　been　fighting　to　keep　her　alive　since　the　first　moment　I　d　caught　her　scent。　How　could　she　think　this　of　me？　How　dare　she　question　my　one　good　deed　in　all　this　mess？　You　think　I　regret　saving　your　life？　I　know　you　do；　she　retorted。　Her　estimation　of　my　intentions　left　me　seething。　You　don　t　know　anything。　How　confusing　and　inprehensible　the　workings　of　her　mind　were！　She　must　not　think　in　the　same　way　as　other　humans　at　all。　That　must　be　the　explanation　behind　her　mental　silence。　She　was　entirely　other。　She　jerked　her　face　away；　gritting　her　teeth　again。　Her　cheeks　were　flushed；　with　anger　this　time。　She　slammed　her　books　together　in　a　pile；　yanked　them　up　into　her　arms；　and　marched　toward　the　door　without　meeting　my　stare。　Even　irritated　as　I　was；　it　was　impossible　not　to　find　her　anger　a　bit　entertaining。　She　walked　stiffly；　without　looking　where　she　was　going；　and　her　foot　caught　on　the　lip　of　the　doorway。　She　stumbled；　and　her　things　all　crashed　to　the　ground。　Instead　of　bending　to　get　them；　she　stood　rigidly　straight；　not　even　looking　down；　as　if　she　were　not　sure　the　books　were　worth　retrieving。

I　managed　not　to　laugh。　No　one　was　here　to　watch　me；　I　flitted　to　her　side；　and　had　her　books　put　in　order　before　she　looked　down。　She　bent　halfway；　saw　me；　and　then　froze。　sure　that　my　icy　skin　never　touched　hers。　I　handed　her　books　back　to　her；　making　Thank　you；　she　said　in　a　cold；　severe　voice。　Her　tone　brought　back　my　irritation。　You　re　wele；　I　said　just　as　coldly。　She　wrenched　herself　upright　and　stomped　away　to　her　next　class。　I　watched　until　I　could　no　longer　see　her　angry　figure。　Spanish　passed　in　a　blur。　Mrs。　Goff　never　questioned　my　abstraction　she　knew　my　Spanish　was　superior　to　hers；　and　she　gave　me　a　great　deal　of　latitude　leaving　me　free　to　think。　So；　I　couldn　t　ignore　the　girl。　That　much　was　obvious。　But　did　it　mean　I　had　no　choice　but　to　destroy　her？　That　could　not　be　the　only　available　future。　There　had　to　be　some　other　choice；　some　delicate　balance。　I　tried　to　think　of　a　way　I　didn　t　pay　much　attention　to　Emmett　until　the　hour　was　nearly　up。　He　was　curious　Emmett　was　not　overly　intuitive　about　the　shades　in　other　s　moods；　but　he　could　see　the　obvious　change　in　me。　He　wondered　what　had　happened　to　remove　the　unrelenting　glower　from　my　face。　He　struggled　to　define　the　change；　and　finally　decided　that　I　looked　hopeful。　Hopeful？　Is　that　what　it　looked　like　from　the　outside？　I　pondered　the　idea　of　hope　as　we　walked　to　the　Volvo；　wondering　what　exactly　I　should　be　hoping　for。　But　I　didn　t　have　long　to　ponder。　Sensitive　as　I　always　was　to　thoughts　about　the　girl；　the　sound　of　Bella　s　name　in　the　heads　of　of　my　rivals；　I　suppose　I　had　to　admit；　caught　my　attention。　Eric　and　Tyler；　having　heard　with　much　satisfaction　of　Mike　s　failure；　were　preparing　to　make　their　moves。　Eric　was　already　in　place；　positioned　against　her　truck　where　she　could　not　avoid　him。　Tyler　s　class　was　being　held　late　to　receive　an　assignment；　and　he　was　in　a　desperate　hurry　to　catch　her　before　she　escaped。　This　I　had　to　see。　Wait　for　the　others　here；　all　right？　I　murmured　to　Emmett。　He　eyed　me　suspiciously；　but　then　shrugged　and　nodded。　Kid　s　lost　his　mind；　he　thought；　amused　by　my　odd　request。　I　saw　Bella　on　her　way　out　of　the　gym；　and　I　waited　where　she　would　not　see　me　for　her　to　pass。　As　she　got　closer　to　Eric　s　ambush；　I　strode　forward；　setting　my　pace　so　that　I　would　walk　by　at　the　right　moment。

I　watched　he