5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第44章

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er　that　I　felt　I　d　make　my　side　abundantly　clear。　It　hadn　t　gotten　through　to　her；　and　so　I　had　no　excuse。　You　re　wrong；　I　promised。　She　must　hear　the　tenderness　in　my　voice。　You　can　t　know　Yes。　Bella　looked　up　to　me；　her　eyes　opaque；　giving　nothing　away。　that；　she　whispered。　She　thought　that　I　was　underestimating　her　feelings　because　I　couldn　t　hear　her　thoughts。　But；　in　truth；　the　problem　was　that　she　was　underestimating　mine。　What　makes　you　think　so？　I　wondered。

She　stared　back　millionth　time；　beg　her　to　tell　to　keep　me　from　at　me；　the　furrow　between　her　brows；　biting　her　lips。　For　the　I　wished　desperately　that　I　could　just　hear　her。　I　was　about　to　me　what　thought　she　was　struggling　with；　but　she　held　up　a　finger　speaking。　Let　me　think；　she　requested。　As　long　as　she　was　simply　organizing　her　thoughts；　I　could　be　patient。　Or　I　could　pretend　to　be。　She　pressed　her　hands　together；　twining　and　untwining　her　slender　fingers。　She　was　watching　her　hands　as　if　they　belonged　to　someone　else　while　she　spoke。　Well；　aside　from　the　obvious；　she　murmured。　Sometimes　I　can　t　be　sure　I　don　t　know　how　to　read　minds　but　sometimes　it　seems　like　you　re　trying　to　say　goodbye　when　you　re　saying　something　else。　She　didn　t　look　up。　She　d　caught　that；　had　she？　Did　she　realize　that　it　was　only　weakness　and　selfishness　that　kept　me　here？　Did　she　think　less　of　me　for　that？　Perceptive；　I　breathed；　and　then　watched　in　horror　as　pain　twisted　her　expression。　I　hurried　to　contradict　her　assumption。　That　s　exactly　why　you　re　wrong；　though　I　began；　and　then　I　paused；　remembering　the　first　words　of　her　explanation。　They　bothered　me；　though　I　wasn　t　sure　I　understood　exactly。　the　obvious　？　Well；　look　at　me；　she　said。　I　was　looking。　All　I　ever　did　was　look　at　her。　What　did　she　mean？　What　do　you　mean；　I　m　absolutely　ordinary；　she　explained。　Well；　except　for　the　bad　things　like　all　the　near　death　experiences　and　being　so　clumsy　that　I　m　almost　disabled。　And　look　at　you。　She　fanned　the　air　toward　me；　like　she　was　making　some　point　so　obvious　it　wasn　t　worth　spelling　out。　She　thought　she　was　ordinary？　She　thought　that　I　was　somehow　preferable　to　her？　In　whose　estimation？　Silly；　narrowminded；　blind　humans　like　Jessica　or　Ms。　Cope？　How　could　she　not　realize　that　she　was　the　most　beautiful　most　exquisite　those　words　weren　t　even　enough。　And　she　had　no　idea。　You　don　t　see　yourself　very　clearly；　you　know；　I　told　her。　I　ll　admit　you　re　deadon　about　the　bad　things　I　laughed　humorlessly。　I　did　not　find　the　evil　fate　who　haunted　her　ical。　The　clumsiness；　however；　was　sort　of　funny。　Endearing。　Would　she　believe　me　if　I　told　her　she　was　beautiful；　inside　and　out？　Perhaps　she　would　find　corroboration　more　persuasive。　But　you　didn　t　hear　what　every　human　male　was　thinking　on　your　first　day。　Ah；　the　hope；　the　thrill；　the　eagerness　of　those　thoughts。　The　speed　with　which　they　d　turned　to　impossible　fantasies。　Impossible；　because　she　wanted　none　of　them。　I　was　the　one　she　said　yes　to。　My　smile　must　have　been　smug。　Her　face　was　blank　with　surprise。　I　don　t　believe　it；　she　mumbled。

Trust　me　just　this　once　you　are　the　opposite　of　ordinary。　Her　existence　alone　was　excuse　enough　to　justify　the　creation　of　the　entire　world。　She　wasn　t　used　to　pliments；　I　could　see　that。　Another　thing　she　would　just　have　to　get　used　to。　She　flushed；　and　changed　the　subject。　But　I　m　not　saying　goodbye。　Don　t　you　see？　That　s　what　proves　me　right。　I　care　the　most；　because　if　I　can　do　it　Would　I　ever　be　unselfish　enough　to　do　the　right　thing？　I　shook　my　head　in　despair。　I　would　have　to　find　the　strength。　She　deserved　a　life。　Not　what　Alice　had　seen　ing　for　her。　If　leaving　is　the　right　thing　to　do　And　it　had　to　be　the　right　thing；　didn　t　it？　There　was　no　reckless　angel。　Bella　didn　t　belong　with　me。　Then　I　ll　hurt　myself　to　keep　from　hurting　you；　to　keep　you　safe。　As　I　said　the　words；　I　willed　them　to　be　true。　She　glared　at　me。　Somehow；　my　words　had　angered　her。　would　do　the　same？　she　demanded　furiously。　And　you　don　t　think　I　So　furious　so　soft　and　so　fragile。　How　could　she　ever　hurt　anyone？　You　d　never　have　to　make　the　choice；　I　told　her；　depressed　anew　by　the　wide　difference　between　us。　She　stared　at　me；　concern　replacing　the　anger　in　her　eyes　and　bringing　out　the　little　pucker　between　them。　There　was　something　truly　wrong　with　the　order　of　the　universe　if　someone　so　good　and　so　breakable　did　not　merit　a　guardian　angel　to　keep　her　out　of　trouble。　Well；　I　thought　with　dark　humor；　at　least　she　has　a　guardian　vampire。　I　smiled。　How　I　loved　my　excuse　to　stay。　Of　course；　keeping　you　safe　is　beginning　to　feel　like　a　fulltime　occupation　that　requires　my　constant　presence。　She　smiled；　too。　No　one　has　tried　to　do　away　with　me　today；　she　said　lightly；　and　then　her　face　turned　speculative　for　half　a　second　before　her　eyes　went　opaque　again。　Yet；　I　added　dryly。　Yet；　she　agreed　to　my　surprise。　I　d　expected　her　to　deny　any　need　for　protection。　How　could　he？　That　selfish　jackass！　How　could　he　do　this　to　us？　Rosalie　s　piercing　mental　shriek　broke　through　my　concentration。　Easy；　Rose；　I　heard　Emmett　whisper　from　across　the　cafeteria。　His　arm　was　around　her　shoulders；　holding　her　tight　into　his　side　restraining　her。　Sorry；　Edward；　Alice　thought　guiltily。　She　could　tell　Bella　knew　too　much　from　your　conversation　and；　well；　it　would　have　been　worse　if　I　hadn　t　told　her　the　truth　right　away。　Trust　me　on　that。　I　winced　at　the　mental　picture　that　followed；　at　what　would　have　happened　if　I　d　told　Rosalie　that　Bella　knew　I　was　a　vampire　at　home；　where　Rosalie　didn　t　have　a

fa　ade　to　keep　up。　I　d　have　to　hide　my　Aston　Martin　somewhere　out　of　state　if　she　didn　t　calm　down　by　the　time　school　was　over。　The　sight　of　my　favorite　car；　mangled　and　burning；　was　upsetting　though　I　knew　I　d　earned　the　retribution。　Jasper　was　not　much　happier。　I　d　deal　with　the　others　later。　I　only　had　so　much　time　allotted　to　be　to　be　with　Bella；　and　I　wasn　t　going　to　waste　it。　And　hearing　Alice　had　reminded　me　that　I　had　some　business　to　attend　to。　I　have　another　question　for　you；　I　said；　tuning　out　Rosalie　s　mental　hysterics。　Shoot；　Bella　said；　smiling。　Do　you　really　need　to　go　to　Seattle　this　Saturday；　or　was　that　just　an　excuse　to　get　out　of　saying　no　to　all　your　admirers？　She　grimaced　at　me。　You　know；　I　haven　t　forgiven　you　for　the　Tyler　thing　yet。　It　s　your　fault　that　he　s　deluded　himself　into　thinking　I　m　going　to　prom　with　him。　Oh；　he　would　have　found　a　chance　to　ask　you　without　me　I　just　really　wanted　to　watch　your　face。　I　laughed　now；　remembering　her　aghast　expression。　Nothing　I　d　ever　told　her　about　my　own　dark　story　had　ever　made　her　look　so　horrified。　The　truth　didn　t　frighten　her。　She　wanted　to　be　with　me。　Mindboggling。　If　I　d　asked　you；　would　you　have　turned　me　down？　Probably　not；　she　said。　sprained　ankle。　How　strange。　But　I　would　have　cancelled　later　faked　an　illness　or　a　Why　would　you　do　that？　She　shook　her　head；　as　if　she　was　disappointed　that　I　did　not　understand　at　once。　You　ve　never　seen　me　in　gym；　I　guess；　but　I　would　have　thought　that　you　would　understand。　Ah。　Are　you　referring　to　the　fact　that　you　can　t　walk　across　a　flat；　stable　surface　without　finding　something　to　trip　over？　Obviously。　That　wouldn　t　be　a　problem。　It　s　all　in　the　leading。　For　a　brief　fraction　of　a　second；　I　was　overwhelmed　by　the　idea　of　holding　her　in　my　arms　at　a　dance　where　she　would　surely　wear　something　pretty　and　delicate　rather　than　this　hideous　sweater。　With　perfect　clarity；　I　remembered　how　her　body　had　felt　under　mine　after　I　d　thrown　her　out　of　the　way　of　the　oning　van。　Stronger　than　the　panic　or　the　desperation　or　the　chagrin；　I　could　remember　that　sensation。　She　d　been　so　warm　and　so　soft；　fitting　easily　into　my　own　stone　shape　I　wrenched　myself　back　from　the　memory。

But　you　never　told　me　I　said　quickly；　preventing　her　from　arguing　with　me　about　her　clumsiness；　as　she　clearly　intended　to　do。　Are　you　resolved　on　going　to　Seattle；　or　do　you　mind　if　we　do　something　different？　Devious　giving　her　a　choice　without　giving　her　the　option　of　getting　away　from　me　for　the　day。　Hardly　fair　of　me。　But　I　had　made　her　a　promise　last　night　and　I　liked　the　idea　of　fulfilling　it　almost　as　much　as　that　idea　terrified　me。　The　sun　would　be　shining　Saturday。　I　could　show　her　the　real　me；　if　I　was　brave　enough　to　endure　her　horror　and　disgust。　I　knew　just　the　place　to　take　such　a　risk　I　m　open　to　alternatives；　Bella　said。　A　qualified　yes。　What？　Can　I　drive？　Was　this　her　idea　of　humor？　Why？　But　I　do　have　a　favor　to　ask。　What　would　she　want　from　me？　Well；　mostly　because　when　I　told　Charlie　I　was　going　to　Seattle；　he　specifically　asked　if　I　was　going　alone　and；　at　the　time；　I　was。　If　he　asked　again；　I　probably　wouldn　t　lie；　but　I　don　t　think　he　will　ask　again；　and　leaving　my　truck　at　home　would　just　bring　up　the　subject　unnecessarily。　And　also；　because　your　driving　frightens　me。　I　rolled　my　eyes　at　her。　Of　all　the　things　about　me　that　could　frighten　you；　you　worry　about　my　driving。　Truly；　her　brain　worked　backwards。　I　shook　my　head；　disgusted。　Edward；　Alice　called　urgently。　Suddenly　I　was　staring　into　a　bright　circle　of　sunlight；　caught　up　in　one　of　Alice　s　visions。　It　was　a　place　I　knew　well；　the　place　I　d　just　considered　taking　Bella　a　little　meadow　where　no　one　ever　went　beside　myself。　A　quiet；　pretty　place　where　I　could　count　on　being　alone　far　enough　from　any　trail　or　human　habitation　that　even　my　mind　could　have　peace　and　quiet。　Alice　recognized　it；　too；　because　she　had　seen　me　there　not　so　long　ago　in　another　vision　one　of　those　flickering；　indistinct　visions　that　Alice　had　shown　me　the　morning　I　d　saved　Bella　from　the　van。　In　that　flickering　vision；　I　hadn　t　been　alone。　And　now　it　was　clear　Bella　was　with　me　there。　So　I　was　brave　enough。　She　stared　at　me；　rainbows　dancing　across　her　face；　her　eyes　fathomless。　It　s　the　same　place；　Alice　thought；　her　mind　full　of　a　horror　that　did　not　match　the　vision。　Tension；　perhaps；　but　horror？　What　did　she　mean；　the　same　place？　And　then　I　saw　it。　Edward！　Alice　protested　shrilly。　I　love　her；　Edward！　I　shut　her　out　viciously。

She　didn　t　love　Bella　the　way　I　did。　Her　vision　was　impossible。　blinded　somehow；　seeing　impossibilities。　Wrong。　She　was　Not　even　a　half　a　second　had　passed。　Bella　was　looking　curiously　at　my　face；　waiting　for　me　to